You know you’re an ostomate when…

Ostomy Poopbowl Meme

  • Talking about diarrhea seems like a perfectly acceptable topic for conversation.
  • Getting old food on your hands while doing the dishes grosses you out more than getting poop on your hands.
  • Not having an ostomy pouch on your abdomen seems weird.
  • Ostomy poop smells normal/okay and colon poop smells weird/bad.
  • Someone tells a joke and your stoma “laughs” with you.
  • Your purse is three times bigger to accommodate your emergency kit.
  • Showering “fully” naked is exciting.
  • The color, consistency, and detail of your poop interests you more than most other topics.
  • Your new “butthole” has a name.
  • You poop around company, during meetings, while you eat….
  • Pooping does not require clothing removal.
  • You worry stores might think you’re shoplifting if they see the lump from a full bag.
  • When you’re playing Cards Against Humanity, you always get to go first (whoever pooped last goes first).
  • You absent-mindedly feel your bag to see if it needs emptying, regardless of your surroundings.
  • You categorize your friends as “rectal” and “non-rectal”.

Perks of an Ostomy

Colostomy Comic

  • When you have minor diarrhea, you can be comfortable in your bed instead of rushing back and forth urgently to the toilet
  • Built in handwarmer
  • You can poop while you eat, or wash dishes, or watch a movie, or swim…the list goes on
  • You won’t have to tackle hemmoroids or constipation during pregnancy
  • If you had IBD, now you can go out in public without worrying where the nearest restroom is
  • If you had IBD, you can eat a lot more foods without flaring up
  • If you had colon cancer, you don’t have it anymore
  • You can poop or pee standing up, regardless of your gender
  • If you have your butt sewn up, someone would literally have to rip you a new asshole
  • If you have your butt sewn up, the doctors can’t stick anything up there anymore
  • Built in jerk repellent when dating (or making friends)
  • There’s no more concern that you’ll shit your pants when you get scared
  • Endless inside jokes with your friends who know you have an ostomy
  • You  might have to flush a couple times, but you won’t be clogging up any more toilets

Ostomy Jokes

Being able to laugh at your situation is a huge help for self-esteem and healing, so here’s some silly jokes.

Have bag. Will travel.

(credit: newsgroup)

It was pissed off.

(credit: newsgroup)

You’re probably thinking about your ostomy appliance, but I meant bathing suit…